PHAT
by flagpole
Summary: What happens, when a self conscionous Elita, a um interface wanting Opimus, and a drunk Jazz get together? Pain and laughs!  PLEASE READ AND REVIEW


**PHAT**

Elita wanted to shop that morning. Optimus wanted interface that night- Optimus shopped.

Elita towed Optimus behind here as she scanned threw the racks, and racks of femme leg armor.

Uncomfortable in the alien environment of a femme, he obediently stayed close to Elita, avoiding the eyes of fellow mechs following their spark mate.

Suddenly- without warning, Elita dropped Optimus's hand and sped away, a pair of leg armor in hand. Understanding what had just happened, he settled down in one of the chairs by the dressing room.

_**MEANWHILE- IN A BAR…**_

"C'mon man, just one more!" Jazz staggered at the counter of the bar, grinning drunkenly.

The Bartender glared back, "No sir, you've tricked our workers into giving you twice the legal limit three times tonight, I think it's time for you to leave."

"Ah, c'mon I won't tell anyone ya gave me s'more."

The Bartender pointed the door out for Jazz, "Out."

Jazz's optics filled with cleaning fluids, "Pleeeeeeeeease? Pretty pleeeeeeeease?"

"NOW!"

Optics streaming, Jazz wobbled out of the bar and on to the streets of Cybertron, a drunken menace to all.

He teetered his way down streets, alleys, and random buildings, until he came to a large white building with a large black neon sign.

"M-m-ma-all-l…" Jazz let the word buzz his audio speakers a few times and thought. And on impulse (drunks do a lot of 'on impulse') he opened the door and stumbled in to the mall in search of 'something to do'.

_**IN THE STORE**_

Optimus's optics where just starting to flicker when Elita emerged from the dressing room. Straightening up he smiled hopefully at her, and waited for the question that would determine if she kept the armor of not.

"Well," Elita started, "be truthful Optimus, but does this make me look-"

"Beautiful?" Optimus interrupted eager to get out of there, "why yes, absolutely stunning."

Elita glared.

Optimus sank away in his seat, "sorry, just-um, continue."

"Are you going to be truthful?"

Optimus nodded.

Elita nodded in satisfaction, "do these make me look _phat_?"

Optimus had heard stories about this question; a many of mechs had answered this legendarily dreaded question wrong, and ended up with bruised interface appliances, or worse… "Erm…" Optimus looked for some sort of clue that of what Elita wanted to hear, but saw none.

"Honey," A familiar voice sounded from behind a rack of under chest armor, "a whale is _phat,_" Jazz stepped out from behind the rack and stumbled forward, "a cow is _phat_-"

Optimus and Elita looked at each other confused.

Grinning sleepily he continued. "A pig is _phat_, Bumblebee is _phat_,"

"Ratchet is _phat_, a baby seal is _phat_,"

"You my honey are incredibly _obese_."

_**LATTER THAT DAY IN RATCHET'S MED ROOM… **_

Ratchet stared.

"Please try Ratchet; he's going to be really miserable if you can't reconnect it." Optimus begged holding an ice cooler out to the ogling medic hopefully.

Ratchet shook his head, "I don't know- I've never had to do this before- it may not work…"

"He won't find that out for a while- just, try."

"Okay," Taking the cooler from Optimus Ratchet got to work, after a short time of working Ratchet asked the question burning at the back of his throat, "how did this happen?"

"It's a long story."

"It looks like we're going to have time; let's here it."

"Well," Optimus leaned against the wall, "Elita asked _the _question right?"

"Okay…"

"And suddenly Jazz popes up from behind a rack of femme chest under armor-"

"Typical."

"That's not what did it, he started say'n um-" Optimus paused thinking, " he said 'a whale is _phat_, a cow is _phat_, a pig is _phat_, Bumblebee is _phat_, Ratchet is _phat_, a baby seal is _phat_, you are incredibly _obese_,' I think that's what he said…"

Ratchet paused, "He said I was phat? The little piece of- wait- he said Elita was, _obese_?"

Optimus shuddered, "yeah, and that's when she ripped out his interface…"

Ratchet looked down at the scraps that were remains of Jazz's interface.

"It's not going to work…" Ratchet muttered.

Optimus shrugged, "Thanks to him I'm not getting any."

**This is a little parody my friend and I have been going over teasingly for the last few days, finally I said 'SLAG! WHY NOT?" Please don't laugh at me… It is mostly all my idea…**

_**-Mirror of Music**_


End file.
